Best Man Speech

What’s up everybody. My name is Phil, and I’m Ittai’s best man.

I met Ittai 10 years ago in a computer science class called Data Structures and Algorithms, which is the most popular place for virgins to make friends at school.

When he asked me to give this speech, as a guy friend I was stoked - a proper chance to share his most embarrassing moments, highlight all the situations and statistics that identify my competitive superiority, and absolutely no matter what discuss any of my feelings.

I’ve limited myself to 1 embarrassing moment. Back in Chicago, Ittai was super stoked that the barista at Starbucks started to recognize him, and especially excited that the barista had designated a special spot for his drink. Every time he’d go he’d mention it, multiple times over a couple weeks. He was so pumped. Finally I made it over to the cafe with him, and he’s like “Watch this man, it’s going to happen, she’s going to put the drink my special spot.” We get there, order, and then I look, and I point out to Ittai that the drink serving area is alphabetized, so she’d been putting his drink next to the “I” every time. Ittai never went back after realizing he had no special spot.

Now, Ittai and I have always had to address the fundamental question of any male friendship - “Who is better at things me or you?”. Let’s review. In the weightroom, Ittai’s performance exceeds mine - however, I’ve got him beat on the running track. I type roughly 20% faster, but as we’ve measured multiple times his eyesight is 15% better than mine. Ittai is obviously more handsome and charming, but I make up for it by being several inches taller. And based on available evidence I am a superior bachelor party planner, but his skills in dog training far exceed mine. It’s always been too close to call, and wow am I lucky to have a friend who makes me work hard to keep it that way.

Ittai and I typically communicate emotionally as most men do - he tells me that I’ve got a stain on my shirt, but I actually don’t, and his finger brushes the tip of my nose. That’s how he says “I love you man.”

But I’ll take a few moments here to say openly - Ittai is one of the smartest, most curious, and inspiring people I know, and I’m truly blessed to have him as a friend in my life. I love you man.

Now to Meghan.

Who, by the way, is looking absolutely radiant tonight.

Meghan and I have always had a classic boyfriend’s roommate relationship - she asks me to put the toilet seat down, and I say “Yes m’am.”.

Now, as much as women love a man who describes his relationship with his friends by comparing the quality of their eyesight, I’ve never been much good with the ladies.

Thank god Meghan was around the apartment for all of my twenties, advising me to remove the bulleted lists from my text messages and coaching me on how feelings work. She helped me be at least mediocre instead of hopelessly incompetent at dating.

Since she was effectively my roommate, a lot of my memories with Meghan are simple. In Chicago, I watched her and Ittai iterate constantly on their chicken tikka masala recipe. Every Saturday morning, we’d head out for a long coffee walk all together. And, when I blew out my candle before going to sleep, the burned smell of the extinguished wick would waft through the vents and into the couple’s room. They’d know I went to bed, and they’d use this as their cue for lights out. And we’d all drift off to sleep together.

Meghan cares fiercely about her friends, loves to have fun, and works incredibly hard. And she’s always been incredibly caring for my friend Ittai - planning him multiple surprise birthday parties, supporting him in his entrepreneurship, and putting in the constant effort required to make their periods of long distance work.

I could not imagine a more perfect match for my friend and I’m so excited you two are getting married. The family you build together will be incredible.

Meghan and Ittai, I think you two both have something on your shirts.

So please, let’s all raise a glass to the lovely couple - cheers, to Meghan and Ittai.